Many times in our lives we have a flash of a memory and think, “Wow, I can’t believe that was a year ago!” It still amazes me how, as human beings, we can reminisce on and instantly experience the feelings we had during the occasion itself. Human emotions & senses are intertwined with our memories and often when we think back to a specific event, we experience those feelings again. We may not feel the emotions the same way, but we can identify with how we were feeling at those moments in time.
July 5, 2020 was the last time I drank alcohol. It’s amazing to me that it’s been a full year. When I read my journals from a year ago, I’m instantly taken back to the feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, self-doubt and self-loathing, but see an underscore of hopefulness and a desire for joy. I was preparing to begin the “Getting Unstuck” course to take a 6 week break from booze. Little did I know how life-altering that 6 weeks would be.
6 weeks turned into 6 months and then a year, and I don’t see it ever coming to an end. I can’t imagine going back to drinking like I did. It was such a hopeless existence. A powerless way to live. When I found the course, I knew, deep down inside, I wasn’t just taking a break from booze, I was quitting for good.
In the past year, I have become more selfish. Yep, that’s right. Selfish. That word has been a ‘bad word’ to me for so long. I grew up believing being selfish was such a horrible thing! But I finally realize, a person must be selfish in order to be selfless without losing your power. If we are not selfish -taking care of ourselves, doing what is best for us, caring for the person that we are – we will never be able to successfully care for others without losing to much. For so long, I was selfless and I gave my power away. I gave it to other people. I gave it to my marriage, my church, my job. I gave and gave, while all along, I was losing who I was. I never learned that I had to take care of myself first. By the time I figured that out, giving of myself was engrained in me. Eventually, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was giving all of my power away, especially to alcohol. Alcohol promised me so many things; relaxation, acceptance, fun, happiness, friends, peace, popularity, success; to bad it took me until I was addicted to realize, it didn’t deliver on any of that. I was duped.
Finally, a year after quitting, I have my power back! My year of sobriety has helped me go from:
- Hopeless to Hopeful
- Scared to Happy
- Alone to Connected
- Unable to Committed
- Unwilling to Determined
July 5, 2020 I drank a lot. I knew it was going to be the last time I would drink. I knew the drinking was bad for me, but I needed a last ‘hurrah’ I guess. I still didn’t understand the control booze had on my life. Now I’m sober and I will stay sober. I know it’s ok to be selfish and I need to hold on to my power. Now it’s time for the next step.
I started this blog as a place to write as a way of helping myself grow in my sobriety and to help myself figure out how to take control of other issues too. Part of me thought quitting drinking would be ‘magic’ and I would suddenly lose a bunch of weight. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way! After giving myself a break on the weight loss for the last year and focusing solely on my sobriety, it’s time to get back on that horse. I am 50 years old. I have plenty of life ahead of me. I am more motivated than ever to LIVE. Now, I need to get my health back. Eat better. Move more. Eat better. Move more. Eat better. Move more.
My new goal is to take on losing weight the way I was taught to handle sobriety. A toolbox full of things to help me when I struggle. 10-20 minutes a day watching or reading something motivational – ‘homework’ if you will. Connecting with others who are working on the same goals. Planning healthy meals and moving a little each day.
I know getting sober and staying sober has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done in my life. I think…no, I know….if I can do that, I can get myself to a healthy weight and in better physical shape. I know I can. I KNOW I can. I KNOW I CAN! I will work hard, not beat myself up, and get through each day doing better than before. You know…Sober. Without Cake.
Peach and joy ~ Ms. K