My thoughts have been all over the place for the last week. Had a lovely Mother’s Day, and thanks to vaccines, I was able to hug my mom and be closer to her than 6 feet. My son was the sweet boy I know and love, and my sister had a birthday this week and we got to have some “almost normal” sister time; pedicures, shopping and even lunch at a restaurant – although sitting outside. I had a three day weekend, which is always nice, and I must admit, the sun has been shining daily for at least a week, which is not always the case in my “neck of the woods”.
But, mixed in with all of these lovely things, was a bit of rubbish too. Woke up Monday morning and found issues with my electrical outlets in the kitchen. My house is 52 years old…and I know the power box and electrical system is one area I need to have inspected, but I wasn’t planning for it right now. My work is fine, but with the Covid Pandemic improving, they are planning for the ‘return to the office’ by all of the employees even though so many of us would rather continue to work from home full time. My sweet, silly son is acting like he is in charge of the household and making me want to rip my hair out – with no end in sight.
Life is an amazing mix of Good and Bad. We spend a lot of time just pushing through our days dealing with the mundane and the normal everyday ‘ups and downs’ that come with being human. Many people find themselves dealing with very difficult situations on a daily basis, and many don’t have anything stressful at all. I think most of us, regardless of circumstance, fall in the middle. We go on, frustrated by some things that happen but comfortable with the things that comprise our days.
As I mentioned in my last post, freedom from drinking has expanded my world. But sometimes I am not certain what that means. I feel pressures to do ‘bigger and better’ things now that I am not wasting my time numbing out every night. But, what are those “things” and why do I feel “pressure”? In fact, where is the pressure coming from other than within?
One of the wonderful women from my sober group spoke of something that really stuck with me. At the end of the day, can I say I had a “day well lived”? I wrote this down and forgot about it until recently. Now it is bouncing around in my mind trying to find a place. I wonder, what does that even mean? How would I define a “Day Well Lived”?
This phrase seems so simple, really. Three words. Three little words that, when put together, captures the expanse of what human life is. That sounds huge, and may be oversimplifying it, but to me, the phrase a “day well lived” represents the goals I have now that I am facing life head-on, without booze. What does it mean to me to say, I had a day well lived?
Today is my 315th day of sobriety. One thing I realize is that a day well lived today is very different from a day well lived 310 days ago. 310 days ago, a day well lived was any day I got through without a drink. Today, I expect more from myself. Today, my day well lived involves more than just getting through without booze. But I am still unsure what exactly needs to happen in my day for me to think I had a day well lived.
I am 315 days into my new life. My LAB – “Life After Booze”. I think the acronym is perfect because when I think of a lab I think of tests, experiments, and things that are done to find the best outcome. My LAB is full of challenges – everyday something new that I am facing without hiding in my booze-saturated mind. I feel all the ‘feels’ and I face everything without a haze. I am not necessarily good at it and my ‘tests and experiments’ are far from clear-cut. I am still trying to figure out the right methodology for my “Day Well Lived”. But each day I get closer. Each challenge presents a new factor that contributes to my results.
Most days, my LAB is filled with smiles and tears. I often wonder if I am doing enough with my life or am I letting it pass me by. But I realize I am the only one who can create the formula for my “Day Well Lived”. And I know the experiment has only just begun.
Best wishes ~Ms. K