What Little Time We Have

I have a new kitchen!! Woo hoo!

Ok, that’s an exaggeration. I have my same old kitchen with a new look. I hired a company that painted my dark brown wood cabinets to bright white! My sister and I added some very colorful hardware and it looks fantastic! Took my small kitchen to a bright, shiny, beautiful space! It’s amazing how much difference a coat of paint can make – is that what they say on HGTV? If so, they are so right!

My house – it was built in 1969. It’s not large, by any means. It’s a rambler, in a land of few, on a decent sized lot, in a great neighborhood, in a good town. When I was married, my husband and I were desperately shopping for a house when the US was climbing out of the recession back in 2012. We found this little ‘beauty’ and it was perfect for our tiny family. Got it for a steal! While my Ex-Husband quickly fell out of love with it (along with me!) I have always been happy with it. Now that it’s mine (and the banks, of course!) I can do the things I want to make it better.

A year ago, I was newly divorced, just getting used to shared custody of my son and I felt like I was drowning. Funny thing is, I was…but I was drowning myself! It was all the booze! I was trying to “eat healthy” yet I was pouring the booze down my gullet by the gallon! As I mentioned in an earlier post, the pandemic came along and saved me from the hell I was living in, and I finally found a way to “swim”. I tell you this, because I realized last night when I was looking at my beautiful new kitchen – I never would have done this if I was still drinking.

That might sound odd to someone who doesn’t have a problem with ethanol. But when your life is all about drinking booze, all of your time and efforts are devoted to making sure you can do just that. Not only are you spending time every “evening” drinking, you are spending time making sure you CAN drink. That involves, but is not limited to;

  • Thinking about Alcohol all day
  • Planning your night so you are home/out with alcohol
  • Making sure you have enough alcohol to get through the night
  • Going to the store to obtain the alcohol
  • Figuring out where to hide the alcohol – if necessary
  • Deciding what time it’s ok for you to start drinking

Not only did I do this everyday, I knew there was a certain point in the night when I would have to stop “doing stuff”; meaning, I couldn’t be productive. I couldn’t work on my finances because my head would be fuzzy. I couldn’t be very active or people might notice I was tipsy. I certainly couldn’t go anywhere! So, generally, by 7pm, at the latest, my day was done. Only thing to do was drink and sleep. And then start it all over again.

In my sober group, we talk about how much time we get back when we quit drinking. It is a very common theme amongst sober people. The crazy thing is, it took me until I sat here staring at my new kitchen before I really, truly realized it. When I said, “I never would have done this if I was still drinking” I really mean it. I wouldn’t have taken the time to do all the things that were required to get it done. I wouldn’t have wanted to get companies here to do quotes – that would take away from my drinking time. I wouldn’t have wanted to deal with cleaning out the kitchen or having strangers in my house. I wouldn’t have saved the money to pay for it. If I had not quit drinking, I would be sitting here staring at the same dark wooden cupboards in my small, dreary kitchen, and I wouldn’t even care! Because the only thing I cared about was being able to drink.

Photo by Lukas on Pexels.com

In a lot of ways, I see the transformation of my kitchen as a metaphor for me. It went from an old, worn, dark, and sullen room, that was well-loved, but wasn’t giving all it could to the home that surrounded it. When I was drinking, I was so much like that kitchen! Sullen, dark, well-loved, but not fully contributing to those that loved me. I wasn’t 100% available because the booze controlled me. Now, I am here, full of light, being bright and always present for my loved-ones. I have been transformed from the old me who drowned in booze every night, to this person I haven’t seen in many, many years.

Like my kitchen, I plan to shine!

Always~ Ms.K

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